|I'll fight u. >|
|I'll fight u. >|
Hold onto your asses, ass holders. (If you get that reference, good for you! You're probably kinda old like me.)
As you might have noticed I vanished off the face of the earth, as I am prone to do. Again, doing so made me feel awful and made it harder and harder to come back with each passing day. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now buuuuutttt....
Honestly though the stress has been kinda justified, I think. Been stressing the hell out over getting divorced for a while now. HOWEVER before anyone tells me "that sucks dude" I've been able to come to the conclusion that it'll be a good thing for all parties involved, including my son. Most of the stress about the separation has been on my end, worrying about things rather than talking about them. Which me and my wife did and now I feel significantly better. We still have to deal with all the legal stuff but for the most part we're both on the same page of making sure everything is fair for both us, and doing what's best for our son.
There was also a month where I seemed to have a series of computer problems happening one after another. First my tablet went up, then it was my video card. Now I can't get my computer to recognize two monitors. I'm sure if I ever figure out why it's doing that something else will randomly fail or explode or the whole thing will gain sentience and tell me to stop being shit at Overwatch or something.
Another thing that was a major blow to my motivation was the fact that someone uploaded The Great Grow Off to e-hentai. Which in itself doesn't bother me. Actually seeing my stuff uploaded by pornbots or whatever is kinda exciting to me as long as I'm accredited properly. It means that my stuff is popular to get attention AND it's free advertising that I didn't even have to pimp myself out for.
No the issue here is that apparently the world at large didn't like it much. Now I know I shouldn't let the opinions of random chuckle fucks on the internet get to me and I know that according to most of the folks on sites like that if it ain't anime it ain't shit... but in all honesty it reinforced a lot of what I've felt about my work: It just ain't that good.
If you haven't noticed by now I have some big ole self esteem issues. It's part of the reason I haven't really uploaded anything to the internet at large until I was in my thirties. It also seems that while a lot of folks seem to like my stuff, I'm largely ignored by the greater community of artists. The only reason I can think of why that is is because there's nothing here that really grabs them. I mean I do fan art of characters I like but very few folks seem to care beyond a polite comment of appreciation. Now I don't mean this as a "EVERYONE SUCKS WHY DON'T YOU LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEE" but honestly it is very frustrating to see another birthday go by and I don't get anything other than some well meaning well wishing. Having nearly 1k watchers and very little fan arts gives me the impression that while my original stuff is liked, it's liked in a very passive manner. It doesn't inspire many people. It's boring or low quality or whatever weird thing that doesn't grab peoples attention or imagination beyond "lookit them tits."
(Please don't take that to mean I don't appreciate the people who have done fan art or fiction or art trades with me. All of the folks who have are the literal best. And I do appreciate the general well wishing. I know not everyone is an artist or writer or whatever.)
However, I really gotta look past that shit. I mean, I do have those nearly 1,000 people who watch this gallery for some reason. 50 or so of which decided to start watching with me not having uploaded anything for a stupidly long period of time. So I gotta be doing something right, if it's only doing half decent ass expansion work when there isn't a whole hell of a lot of it out there.
Either way, I'm attempting to get back to being productive again. I aware I have a huge year long backlog of paid work that I need to do, and hopefully my reputation hasn't been shot to shit at this point.
In addtion, I'm thinking of doing a "clean" gallery for some of my stuff so I don't feel like a creepazoid when I tell people IRL that I'm a cartoonist and they wanna see some of my stuff. "Oh sure, here's my gallery. Just ignore the ladies with bellies the size of a large planet. I just draw that for the money. HA HA HA. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for my appointment to die of embarassment."
FUTHERMORE I've been watching a lot of speedrunning of video games lately and it's been making me wanna try my hand at it. Or at the very least trying to play some of my favorite games from when I was a teenager on twitch or something. I dunno, it seems to be a popular thing now a days and I don't see why I couldn't do it as a lark. I know a few years ago I tried playing Battletoads live and only one person watched that, and he only did because I managed to convince him to comment over it with me. But then again I didn't have nearly as many people aware of my existence as I do now so who knows? Might have some intrest there. Oh and I also really need to get back into live streaming my drawing. Prove to people that I'm actually doing it.
ANY FRIGGIN HOW: The long and vieny of it is I've been gone because life sucks sometimes but it's getting better now so I'm trying to do better. Hopefully you'll undertand and not think I'm a terrible deadbeat. I'd also like to do some non porny stuff publicly if enough people think that's a good idea.
P.S.: To everyone who wished me a happy birfday, thank you very much. I enjoy the sentiment but hopefully you'll understand that after a certain point birthdays become less an exciting milestone and more a reminder of your inevitable march towards the grave.
HAHA I AM VERY FUNNY.